Newly Ancient

Scene: A smoke-filled room, somewhere in London. The dark walls are hung with remnants of a bygone age, with paintings hanging in the backdrop of three men and their thoughts. Sitting around an oaken table, the men are absorbed in a game of poker. One man (Hobbes) scowls at his hand as he places the first bet.

Hobbes: “Three quid.”
Locke: “I’ll see your three, and raise you five.”
Machiavelli (his face hidden in shadow): “A fearsome hand I have here… I’ll raise you thirty.”
Hobbes: “I fold.”
Locke: “I’ll see your thirty.”
Hands shown.
Hobbes: “Looks like you were too optimistic again, John.”
Machiavelli: “You should know by now I’ve always got the upper hand.”

A servant walks in, head down, and hands Machiavelli a note. She quickly hurries out, with fear in her footsteps.

Machiavelli: “The boys have landed on the island.”
Locke: “I’m sure they’ll be fine. Nature has an abundance for them to harvest.”
Hobbes: “I wouldn’t count on it.”
Locke: “Want to bet?”
Hobbes: “How does two hundred quid sound?”
Locke: “Sounds like I’ll be buying a new watch.”
Machiavelli (dealing): “Place your bets.”
Locke: “Maybe I’ll have better luck this time. 5 pounds.”

Many hands later, the servant enters again, handing another note to Machiavelli, who growls at her to get out.

Machiavelli: “Looks like they’ve elected a leader through democracy.” (disparaging tone)
Locke: “Great! They’re already on their way to civilization.”
Machiavelli: “Hardly… unless this Ralph character bucks up they’ll just weaken.”
Hobbes: “There’s no chance any government will be able to exist on this island. All of them will just look out for themselves.”
Locke: “We’ll see…”
Hobbes: “Back to the game… I raise you 5.”
Locke: “I’ll see your 5.”
Machiavelli: “As will I.”
Hobbes discretely slips some coins back into his pocket.
Locke: “Hey! You’re cheating.”
Hobbes: “Says who? If you want to keep your propety, keep a better eye on it.”
Machiavelli: “I do, that’s who. Unless you want to leave in a rather unpleasant manner, I suggest you put those back.”

Machiavelli: “Jack is proving himself to be a far better leader than Ralph.”
Locke: “Never… Ralph was chosen by the people.”
Machiavelli: “And the people are idiots. Ralph is weak. He’ll never maintain power.”
Locke: “Thomas, back me up here. Ralph is the good leader, right?”
Hobbes: “I’m going to have to side with Niccolò. If anyone can exercise absolute power, it’s Jack.”
Machiavelli: “Exactly. He protects his power through military might.”
Hobbes: “A bunch of boys running around with sticks isn’t a military.”
Machiavelli: “Maybe, but Jack is explointing fear well. If the others think he is the only one who can protect them from the beast, they’ll trust him.”
Hobbes: “Stupid kids.”

Many games later, Machiavelli gets another note from the fear-stricken servant.

Machiavelli: “Looks like we’ve had a death.”
Hobbes: “See, what was I telling you John. Who?”
Machiavelli: “Simon, the recluse.”
Hobbes: “Serves him right for not protecting himself.”
Locke: “It must have been an accident. They’re just kids after all.”
Hobbes: “Kids are closer to human nature than we are.”
Locke: “Hardly… most of them don’t even have any thoughts yet. Some of them are barely beyond the tabula rasa of infancy.”

Karl Rove and David Axelrod enter, led by the butler.

Axelrod: “Mind if we join you, John?”
Locke: “By all means, sit down.” (Glances at Machiavelli.) “That is, if Niccolò is okay with it.”
Machiavelli: “As long as you’re ready to pay.”
Rove: “As long as he can tax a little first.” (Laughter.)
Hobbes: “We were just talking about the experiment island.”
Axelrod: “Who was running that, again?”
Machiavelli: “Golding is. He’s sending my updates.”
Locke: “So, David, who do you think is the best leader?”
Axelrod: “Well, I think Ralph is wise to listen Piggy, but his weakening of intelligence concerns me.”
Rove: “Well of course you’d say that. It’s always about smarts with you liberals, isn’t it.”
Hobbes: “Save it for RNC meetings, Karl.”

A few hand later, the servant enters again and gives Machiavelli another note.

Machiavelli: “Well, Ralph finally got some guts. But it’s too little, too late.”
Rove: “What’s going on?”
Machiavelli: “Well, the ocean is enjoying Piggy’s guts. The tribe is hunting Ralph.”
Axelrod: “Savages, but they probably just think its a game.”
Hobbes: “Or maybe they’re showing us what humans are really like.”
Rove: “Brits, maybe.” (Axelrod and Machiavelli laugh, while Hobbes and Locke glare.)

A few minutes later, Machiavelli is given another note.

Machiavelli: “Will is calling off the experiment, says it’s getting too dangerous. He sent in a Navy officer.”
Axelrod: “Finally, these boys should have been taken home a long time ago.”
Hobbes: “Nay, they gave us some good insight into human nature. Speaking of which, it’s time for John to pay up.”
Locke: “What for? I was right… none of them starved.”
Hobbes: “How can you say that when two boys are dead?”
Locke: “Well it proves nature is abundant. The island had plenty to eat.”
Hobbes: “No, it just shows that human nature creates scarcity everywhere.”
Locke: “Fine, I’ve got to leave anyways. Here’s your money.” (Leaves)
Machiavelli: “Well, they would have done better if Jack had led from the start.”
Rove: “I agree. He saw that fear controls people best.”
Axelrod: “A fat lot fear did for you in November.”
Rove: “That was just “straight-talk” John doing what he does best–screwing things up.”
Axelrod: “Or maybe the American people have finally caught on to your game.”
Machiavelli: “No, I just think your ridiculous term limits are to blame. What’s the point of designing a government to be unstable?”
Rove: “Exactly. I had them under my thumb, but Montesquie’s stupid balance of powers kept us from total control.”
Axelrod: “Thank god.”
Rove: “Save it for the stump.”
Machiavelli: “That’s enough, boys. We better quit before you fight even more.”
Rove: “Fine, but David better watch his back.”
Hobbes: “And you better watch your winnings… you have no right to them.”
Machiavelli: “I’d like to see you try, Tom.”
Hobbes: “If I were younger…”
Axelrod: “Thanks for hosting this, Niccolò”
Machiavelli: “Good night, everyone.”

exeunt omnes